Ettie Newlands

I do appreciate my lifelong friend Roger sharing what he calls ‘words to live by’ so that I can pass them on. He didn’t say where he got them, so I can’t credit or blame anyone but him for the typical guy humor.

When one door closes and another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

To me, ‘drink responsibly’ means don’t spill it.

When I say, ‘The other day,’ that can mean anytime from yesterday to 15 years ago.

I remember being able to stand up without making sound effects.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of the containers.

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger sits next to you, stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”

Age 60 may be the new 40, but 9 p.m. is the new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took three days, but whatever…

I run like the winded.

I hate when couples argue in public because I didn’t hear the beginning and I don’t know whose side I’m on.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like ‘east.’

It’s the start of a brand-new day and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

Walking a mile in my shoes would bore you. Spend 30 seconds in my head and it’ll freak you right out.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

When you ask what I’m doing and I say, ‘nothing,’ that doesn’t mean I’m free. It means I’m doing nothing.

Hopefully, one or two of these made you smile. Knowing my friend Roger forever, I know he shared them because they made him double up with laughter. Must be nice to be so easily amused.

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