Ettie Newlands

“What Not To Wear On A Horse” is a must-have book if you’ve got a riding date coming up.

It’s being offered by Abe.com in the weird books department, along with some other publications in the “Did somebody really write a book with that title?” category.

Written by Stephanie Soskin, a brand new copy is only $4.73. Because it was published in England, the book answers questions such as, “Does this make my bum look big?”

Also published in England and with its dust jacket intact, “How to Avoid Matrimony,” is available for less than $10. It’s never too early to start your holiday shopping.

Speaking of avoiding things…”Embarrassing Moments in German and How to Avoid Them” is $20.80 with $3.99 shipping. That was published in 1987, so what’s embarrassing in Germany may have changed.

“How to Cook for a Ghost” by Hope McIntyre is $159.34, and the description says the hardcover book is in very good condition. I wonder if that might be because not too many folks have read it.

“Extinct for a Reason: A Field Guide to Failimals and Evolosers” took some collaboration by Scott Cooney and Aaron Adler and sells for only $21.81. This book includes the history of the bipolar bear, the Neapolitan zebra and the comb-over eagle.

For $2.99 with free shipping, you can have Sanford Bennett’s “Old Age, Its Cause and Prevention” which is actually a 394-page book originally published in Dehli, India in 1912. Why would it take 394 pages to say the cause of old age is living, and the prevention is dying?

“The Pop-up Book of Phobias” by Gary Greenberg is going for $68.94 new with $3 shipping, but if a used book won’t scare you, you can have it for $24.98.

$115.08 with free shipping will buy “50 Sad Chairs” by Bill Keaggy. This is a collection of chairs tossed into the street in downtown St. Louis. The description says it’s a commentary “on our culture of consumption.”

“Cheese Rolling in Gloucestershire” by Colin Seabright is going for $120.26, but shipping is free, so if you need it, it’s a deal.

It’s a paperback book and the seller promises it’s in excellent condition.

For $27.98 and no shipping fee, you can own “Tattooed Mountain Women and Spoonboxes of Daghestan: Magic Medicine Symbols in Silk, Stone, Wood and Flesh.” There are only 10 of those available so you’ll have to hurry to get the book written by Robert Chenciner, Gabib Ismailov and Magomedkhan Magomedkhanov.

John W. Trimmer’s “How to Avoid Huge Ships,” subtitled “I Never Met A Ship I Liked,” is going for $151.05 if you want it new and 74.50 with $9 shipping if you order the used copy.

There are lots of other books in this category, including “How People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What To Do About it,” “The Art of Funerary Violin” and “The Deer Smellers of Haunted Mountain.”

There’s something for everyone in this assortment of literary oddities.

And to think, there was a time when people thought Alfred Hitchcock’s books were kind of weird.

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