Ettie Newlands

With several females making plans for a family wedding, my daughter explained the mystery of the “gut sucker.”

You know, that girdle-type apparatus guaranteed to make our tummies look pre-pubescent.

If the advertising is to be believed, wearing one will restore our B.C. body – that stands for ‘before children,’ by the way – give our waistline back, and make our hips look wider than our tush.

Oh, would that it be so!

The advertising simply tells us to buy one in the appropriate size of either small, medium or large and then wear it.

It’s supposed to be a godsend if we gained five pounds since we bought the dress, or if we tried the dress on in front of one of those trick mirrors that takes off 10 pounds.

So, the first thing my daughter told me is that she does not even understand why gut suckers are made in size small.

She’s absolutely right. Why does a size small woman need a gut sucker?

Those women should have private entrances to department store dressing rooms so the rest of us don’t have to look at them.

Then my daughter explained how to actually put one of those contraptions on.

She said the rest of us who have A.D. bodies – that stands for ‘after delivery’ - should buy those gut suckers in all three sizes, large, medium and small.

Step one is to put on the large one, which is no easy feat.

That should suck the belly in enough to be able to get the size medium on over it.

Then – you guessed it – the small gut sucker goes on last.

The combination of the three sizes should make at least a noticeable difference in the belly.

Instructions include definitely not drinking even a sip of liquid until your event is over.

Not only you don’t want to pop any of your gut suckers, you for sure don’t want to have to make a trip to the little girls’ room when you’re wearing three of them.

Smart kid, my daughter.

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