Ettie Newlands

A recent survey says the smartest people are tall, skinny, first-born, blue-eyed, left-handed, sloppy night owls who prefer cats to dogs.


I’m a short, chubby, right-handed, neat, dog-owning person who’s in bed by 8 p.m.

My smart blue eyes don’t even save me, according to this survey, because in the right light, they’re gray.

But survey shmurvey, these conclusions are paper thin.

Tall, skinny people generally seem intimidating, and that’s just a trait easily confused with smart.

And skinny people obviously don’t enjoy life, as in chocolate and cheese cake, so how smart can they be?

First-born siblings get all the attention, so of course it seems like they get all the smarts. By the time the second and third kids come along, it’s every man for himself.

Left-handed? Just being in the hand-dominant minority does not intelligence make. True, Bill Gates is left-handed. But so was Jack the Ripper and Osama bin Laden.

Smart people are probably sloppy because they’re laser-focused on whatever it is they’re doing and orderliness and neatness aren’t priorities.

That just means they don’t know how to multi-task.

Being sloppy, the survey says, allows smart people to think unconventionally and therefore produces creativity.

But just thinking about sloppiness makes me want to go buy various size stackable, color-coordinated containers.

Night people probably appear to be smart simply because they get more done than normal, healthy, well-adjusted people who keep traditional hours.

That’s only because when they’re up in the middle of the night, there are no distractions. No real life, no other humans, no responsibilities.

And this nonsense about smart people preferring cats to dogs? That’s just, well…nonsence.

Cats should be tall. They’re also somewhat intimidating, aloof, independent.

This survey went so far as to include the possibility – as if all its other ‘conclusions’ are undeniable facts – that highly intelligent people enjoy water.

The survey cites Albert Einstein who liked to sail and Stephen Hawking who liked to row.

Really? From two geniuses a conclusion is made?

Does showering faithfully count as being fond of water?

The survey doesn’t bother me at all…I’ve been too busy dieting, practicing writing with both hands, messing up my desk and thinking about what color cat I’d like.


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