Ettie Newlands

MaryLou, my trusty email provider who never causes me to call my computer guy, shared these “lighter side thoughts” with me, and therefore, with you:

Me sobbing: “I can’t see you anymore. I’m not going to let you hurt me like this again.” Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Marriage counselor: “Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?” Husband: “I didn’t even know my wife sold flowers.”

Never sing in the shower. Singing leads to dancing. Dancing leads to slipping. Slipping leads to the paramedics seeing you naked. Don’t sing.

My wife asked me to take her to some of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. I took her to Subway and that’s when the fight started.

I don’t think a therapist is supposed to say “Wow” that many times in a first session.

If 2020 was a math word problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 mph and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

So, if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is that a milk dud or an udder failure?

We can all agree that in 2015, not a single person got the correct answer to, “Where do you see yourself five years from now?”

If you can’t think of a word, say, “I forgot the English word for it.” That way, people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

During the middle ages, they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies.

Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this ends?

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

I don’t always go the extra mile. When I do, it’s because I missed my exit.

Thanks, MaryLou, we can always use a chuckle.


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