Ettie Newlands

No pressure, but remember that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote “King Lear.”

When you play with your kids for six hours, it turns out it’s only been 20 minutes.

Who else is a week away from doing something irreversible to their hair?

There will be a minor baby boom in nine months and in 2033, we will witness the rise of the “quaranteens”

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.

Like a good neighbor, stay over there.

This is the longest something made in China ever lasted.

When this is all over, we’re throwing the biggest St. Patrick’s Easter de Mayo of July party anyone’s ever seen.

Saw my neighbor Tammy out early this morning scraping the “My kid is a terrific student” sticker off her minivan. I guess homeschooling isn’t going too well.

Chuck Norris tested positive for COVID-19 and they quarantined the virus, not him.

Anyone else’s car getting three weeks to the gallon?

We’ve decided we don’t want to have children. We’ll be telling them tonight at dinner.

People who catch this virus in airports might have a terminal illness.

My mother told me I wouldn’t amount to anything by laying on the couch all day, but look at me now. I’ve saving the world.

My employer says I’m essential. My paycheck says otherwise.

I finally understand why dogs get so excited when they see an open door.

I had a conversation with a spider today. He’s a web designer.

Shouldn’t Morgan Freeman be narrating this?

In eight weeks, 88% of blondes will disappear from the earth.

Finland closed its borders so nobody will cross the finish line.

Thirty days has September, April, June and November. All the rest have 31 except March which never ended.

The only jokes allowed during quarantine are inside jokes.

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