Ettie Newlands

Something akin to road rage was creeping up on me as the driver in front of me slowed down and sped up, depending on how close I got to his vehicle.

The bumper sticker on his car reminded me of this list of bumper sticker messages on the internet:

‘I think, therefore I’m single,’ and ‘Marriage is grand but divorce is 100 grand’ are such sad commentaries on marriage.

‘If you can read this, I’m not impressed. Most people can read.’

‘Yes, this is my truck. No, I won’t help you move.’

‘I believe in dragons, good men and other fantasy creatures.’ Again, kind of a sad generalization.

‘Sorry for driving so close in front of you.’

‘Adult on board, we want to live too.’

‘Pass quietly, driver asleep.’ Not so funny and entirely possible thanks to self-driving vehicles.

‘The fact that nobody understands you doesn’t mean that you’re an artist.’ I think because I still have several hippie friends from the ‘60s, I love that one way too much.

‘If you can read this, you’re probably pulling me over.’

‘Women are natural leaders. You’re following one now.’

‘Honk if you like noises.’

And my favorite – If I could find it, I’d put it on my car – says, ‘I used to be cool.’

I’m always surprised by how much a driver can tell about other drivers by their bumper stickers.

The one on the car in front of me that made me so angry said, ‘The closer you get, the slower you drive.’ I would have known a whole lot about that guy even without his bumper sticker.


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